+ Bob Dole is so mean he wants to repeal the Santa Claus.

+ Roseanne Arnold is so fat they're spinning off her butt as a new series.

+ Michael Jackson is so odd he is divisible only by himself and I.

+ Warren Christopher is so colorless he doesn't tan, he grays.

+ Mister Rogers is so nice that in high school, girls got him in trouble.

+ Bill Clinton's waist is expanding so fast the Oval Offlee is in danger of becoming a circle.

This week's contest: This old idea ("HOW OLD IS lT?") may have begun with vaudeville, but itdid not achieve maturity until the presidential campaign of 1984, when Dave Barry wrote that John Glenn was so bland "he couldn't electrify a fish tank if he threw a toaster into it." That's the contest: Describe somebody - or something through exaggerated comparison.

The first-prize winner will receive a Mortimer Snerd ventriloquist's dummy, a value of about $75. Runners-up, as always. get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 21, The Washington Post. 1150 15th St. NW. Washington. D.C. 20071, or fax them to 202-334-4312. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 2. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase neeessary. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

REPORT FROM WEEK 18, in which you were asked to stick it in our "ear" by proposing a front-page motto for The Washington Post.

Our favorite comment came from Linda K. Malcolm of Silver Spring, who says she was stunned to learn The Post did not already have a motto. She assumed it was "Prices May Vary in Areas Outside Metropolitan Washington." Linda, don't be a dimwit. That is not a motto. The actual motto is "...."

+ Eighth Runner-Up: "As Seen On TV." (Pat Gentner, Washington)

+ Seventh Runner-Up: "A Newspaper With A Proud Tradition of Journalistic Ex- See MOTTO, a32, Col. 2 (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

+ Sixth Runner-Up: "The Newspaper Without a Motto" (Dave Ferry, Potomac)

+ Fifth Runner-Up: "Your Source for Today's Date" (Mike Berman, Gaithersburg)

+ Fourth Runner-Up: "At Least We Never Have to Say `Mr. Dahmer'" (Gregory James, Fairmount Heights)

+ Third Runner-Up: "A Pulitzer Prize-Returning Paper" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

+ Second Runner-Up: "Corrections You Can Rely On" (Stephen Adise, Silver Spring)

+ First Runner-Up: "A Great Newspaper That Operates on the Assumption That Its Readers Know Absolutely Nothing and Therefore Require Vast Amounts of Historical and Other Background Material With Every Story, Material That Often Is Allowed to Overwhelm the Story. Historically, Newspapers' Assumptions About Their Readers' Knowledge Level Have Varied Considerably. In the Case of Acta Diurna, for Example, a Daily Bulletin Established by Julius Caesar When Be Became Consul In 60 B.C. and Which May Perhaps Be Considered the Ultimate Ancestor of the Modern Newspaper, It Appears.... See MOTTO, A32, Co1. 4 (Tom Jedele, Laurel)

And the winner of the three-month subscription to the New York Times: "All the News That's Fit to Prinf." (Susan Wenger, Montgomery Village)

++ Honorable Mentions:

+ "When Folded Correctly, Makes a Nice Pair of Underpants" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

+ "All the News. Every Morning. Under the Car" (John F. Donley, Vienna)

+ "For Today's Corrected Motto, See Tomorrow's A3" (Steve Svartz, McLean)

+ "Warning: This Product May Cause Drowsiness" (Al Toner, Arlington)

+ "Do Not Flush Plastic Wrapper"' (Linda K. Malcolm, Silver Spring)

+ "Cheaper Than a Stamp" (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

+ "More Interesting Than Breeding Prize-Winning Clams" (Douglas E. Morris, Washington)

+ "Today's Comics Are in Real Estate, Page f46. There Are Two Real Estate Sections. The First One Says COMICS on It, But the Comics are Actually in the Second Section, Which has the Orange Mortgage Rate Table on the Front. Real Estate Also Has the Classified Ads, So the Comics Aren't at the Back of the Section, They're a Little Past the Middle. (Douglas Olson, Beltsville)

+ "Mistakes Were Made" (John Kupiec, Springfield)

+ "There Is a Reason This Is on the Left" (Craig M. Lewis, Laytonsville)

+ "If You Don't Get It, Just Pick One Out of the Recyclables Bin at the Metro" (Rob Mendelson, Rockville)

+ "Gives Good Smear" (Al Toner, Arlington)

+ "Read Left to Right" (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

+ "Ultra Absorbent" (Meghan Meyer, Olney; Stu Segal, Vienna)

+ "Washington Is Our Middle Name" (Stu Segal, Vienna)

+ And Last:

"Exclusive T-Shirt Supplier to Stu Segal, Vienna" (Douglas Olson, Beltsville)

Next Week: The Stale Invitational.